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          最苦的時光是獨行

          推薦人:華音流韶 來源: 網友推薦 時間: 2018-03-01 13:56
          最苦的時光是獨行
          高二分班選擇了文科之后的前半個學期十分順利,我的成績始終保持在年級前四名左右,可好景不長,之后的整個高二,我都處在一種極其低迷的狀態。

            也說不清具體是什么原因,也許是不得當的學習方法最終顯出弊病,也許是連軸轉的學習讓我沒時間好好沉淀反思,我的成績一直徘徊在年級十五名左右,這種被動的狀態幾乎持續了整整一個學年。

            我深知,以當時的成績是肯定考不進北大的。而那個時候我又總是很在意他人的眼光,連續幾次考試都徘徊在年級前十名之外讓我開始胡思亂想,有時候覺得老師的關注重點好像都從我身上轉移走了,有時候又覺得大家一定暗暗認定我從此就只能如此了,更有時候連自己都想自暴自棄。

            更讓我郁悶的是,弟弟的勢頭一直很好,八次考試總排名第一,在高三開始之前就獲得了去北大夏令營的唯一名額。去夏令營之前,他還賤兮兮地留給我一封信,名字叫《想想為什么去的不是你》。

            我看完信被氣得要死,恨不得把這小子從北大拉回來暴打一頓來“報答”他。直到現在,我們倆仍然樂此不疲地以此互相調侃,比如每次有女生送禮物給我,我都會故意打趣小豪:“想想為什么送的不是你?”或者我的微博粉絲增加得很快,我就對他說:“想想為什么漲的不是你?”

            那時候我們寄宿在一對老人家里。每天晚上回家,都想著爭分奪秒地看書寫作業,一分一秒都不想放過。可話癆子豪一攤開書就沒完沒了地跟我聊天,每次都逼得我指著他說:“閉嘴。”靜不下來還愛賴皮的他總是可憐兮兮地說:“行行行,哥,你聽我把這句話說完,我就安靜學習不打擾你了。”

            但是可能嗎?這個多動癥患者每次安靜不過一分鐘,就又開始找話題聊開了,而且每次他自己都樂得人仰馬翻。看著他那副傻樣,叫人不笑都不行。

            他學習好,晚上聊一會兒天寫幾道題就睡覺了。而我為了每天完成自己安排的學習計劃,只能推后睡覺的時間,在他睡了之后,一個人做題背書到凌晨一兩點鐘。

            深夜的屋子里安靜得可以聽見秒針轉動的聲音,隔壁簡陋的廁所里水龍頭滴水的聲音,以及我心底的那份煎熬和掙扎。睡不著的時候,我總會望著黑暗中的天花板發呆。我曾經也是年級排名前幾名的佼佼者,我曾經也備受眾人矚目,我曾經也總給同學們講學習方法,我曾經也拿過一等獎獎學金,我曾經……

            可是這一切卻再也不屬于我,我的心里有苦難言,這樣的煩惱和焦灼我甚至不知道要對誰說。除了弟弟,這些事我還可以說給誰聽呢?

            可同時我又覺得難以啟齒。每次走到他跟前,我都猶豫再三,轉幾個圈也說不到點上。即使說了,也覺得毫無意義。因為雖然他每次都很認真地聽,說他感同身受,但是我依然覺得他是佼佼者,不能體會我的心境。這些心事,只有我一個人懂。

            那陣子每天在學校的食堂吃完飯,一回到家里我就馬不停蹄地看書。有時候寄宿的人家開著電視或者來了客人比較吵,我就站在樓下背書。天津是一個靠海的城市,未至盛夏的時候,濕潤的海風吹來,天氣還算舒服。

            我清楚地記得,那時候天很藍,瓦礫墻被陽光曬得明亮溫暖,風把手中的課本吹起幾頁,又被我靜靜地按下,頭頂上的電線錯亂有致,幾只小鳥站在上面,看著我一頁一頁地背書。在那個狹小的胡同里,我常常一站就是兩個多鐘頭。

            那段日子里,我心中真的有一種說不出的落寞和孤獨,有時候覺得根本沒有人懂我的挫敗感,仿佛只有我一個人在痛苦中跋涉。我極其渴望自己能夠重新站起來,但無論怎么努力,都無濟于事。

            一個人感受著凌晨三點鐘空氣中的肅靜,一個人體味傍晚六點操場上的汗臭味,一個人走在風景十年如一日的上學路上,一個人偷偷拉扯著那份粘稠而灰暗的心情。

            是我還不夠努力嗎?每天早上五點準時到學校上自習,課間很少離開座位,中午也很少午休,大課間站在班級門口的窗戶旁背書,活動課跑到圖書館做題……我覺得自己真的已經做到了全力以赴,已經比以前成績好的時候更努力了不知多少倍,但成績還是毫無起色。每次考試,都是失誤,失誤。

            本學期的期末統考,我決定不給自己留任何退路,再拼一次。

            我投入更多精力準備考試,課本被我翻爛了邊角,每天吃飯僅用十分鐘,放棄了幾乎所有課間休息時間,每晚都熬夜學習到很晚。有時候喝咖啡不能解困了,我就開始學網上的做法干吃咖啡粉,困就開始舉啞鈴;在學校,課間站在空調下面吹冷風背書防困,連做早操的時候都要在心里背誦重點;吃完晚飯要去泡圖書館;課間要以最快速度跑到辦公室問老師問題。

            我覺得我已經把能做的做到了極限,于是在精心地準備了一個月后,這場對我而言意義重大的期末統考來了。

            那次期末統考的題目很簡單,我很有把握,信心很足。考完試整整一天我都沉浸在喜悅之中,一個月來我第一次放松地和同學說笑。三天之后,成績出來了,當我看到自己的名字又一次出現在第十五名的位置時,我尷尬地和旁邊擁擠上來看成績的同學笑了笑,低著頭從人群中擠出來,默默地走開了。

            又是沒有任何起色,我想不明白。

            那天晚上我大哭了一場,是真的大哭。

            我一直覺得男孩子不應該哭鼻子,有時壓力大的時候我選擇跑步或者聽音樂來轉移壞情緒,但這次考試成績終于擊潰了我最后一道防線。我覺得一切都完了,結束了,再沒有可能了。不管我再怎么努力、用心,我都不可能再考好了。我哭得很丟人,也很徹底。

            那個晚上哭完了以后,我做了我人生中最丟臉的事情——心悅誠服地去找子豪請教,問他能不能和我講一下學習方法。

            他當時的第一反應是錯愕,因為我一直很固執,不喜歡聽他的建議。之后很快他就擺出架子,從頭到尾把我訓得幾乎一無是處。雖然事后我很想揍他一頓,但當時我心里卻沒有一絲的不服。那是我第一次請教他有關學習的事,我迫切地想改變沒成果的學習方法,想改變自己。

            或許我是真的怕了——不是怕自己不夠爭氣,而是怕再也改變不了現狀。

            作者:苑子
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